You

Inseparable finally
Recycled, one flesh
Yet it still feels exciting and new

To see you over me
Catch a glimpse of the way
Your heart takes me in all at once

You never give up
Till you get what you want
And want me is all that you do

I'll follow you anywhere
Just lead and I'll go
My Love, My Only, My You

One Road

The road before you was long
Full of disappointment and pain
Then it led me to you

We walked it for a while
On opposite sides
Always trying to meet in the middle

So it divided
Down a lonely path
To show us where stubborn pride leads

It brought us back
To a new starting point
Facing the same direction
And at last, two become one

Mile Marker 203

breaking down
every other minute
exhausted
spent

these things happen to "them"
not us, and I'm finding it hard
to understand
this

I just keep scratching
my way up faith's hill
believing
in spite

there must be purpose
in all of this madness
or perhaps I need it to be
so much

if the plans you have for me
mean this
then I hope that I'm saved for something
great

it seems the casualties of this war
are too many
though the blessings still
outweigh

so forgive me when I
break down here
and it appears that I lose
sight

I guess this is when
you'll have to carry me
for I haven't got the
strength

The Faithful Departed

Could we freeze a moment in time?
Could it be the last time I held you?

You always did want to do things first
Always pushed the boundaries set

'Tis only fitting that you
Would feel an angel's wings before me

As I sat and heard tales from others
Of what your time on this earth did mean

I am sad to be left with but memories
Only to wonder what I missed

You were loaned but a moment
Now safe from all grief and all pain

So here's to my faithful departed

My Kristy, larger than this life could contain

Krissers

There is something beautiful
In your unabashed honesty
Your willingness to be raw
Middle child with issues on display
You made us pay attention
Dimples and all, Any time you were in pain
I mourn the loss of all that's you
Two toned eyes, angelic face, and
Ever morphing hair
The memories are not sufficient
As it seems there are not enough
There should be more, Now you're not there
I love you - Every part
It is just so hard
But you never did it easy
Oh no
You lived this life with no regard
So I'm left with the eyes of your children
The legacy we hold
And I wonder if your story
Is ever sufficiently told
No good bye to the rose bearer
Who always felt the thorns
I pray the ship you're on now
Takes you to an ever peaceful shore
Where Krissy-pins abound
In a place called Canadarin
Where God needs help off buildings
And joy never ends

Knockout

you knock me out with your frigid blue eyes
knock me sideways with your handsome smile
you knock me up with your relentless love

knock knock you're there
knocking down the hardness in my heart
knocking over my false impressions of you

knocking my socks right off
you knock around the clock
knocking me around punch drunk full of you

you're a knockout
my love
my life
I'll spend knocking around with you

Dwelling Place

Love is a decision
A calculated risk
It promises no matter what
I will walk with you through this

Love is a commitment
That together you will pass the test
The arrows from life's quiver
Will pierce but never best

Love is more than promises
Starry eyes and bouts of sweat
It is present in times of nothingness
Through troubles trials and regret

Love is what I am for you
A place of caring and of rest
In the safety of eachother
We never could have guessed

Love is all I want from you
While walking by my side
No greater joy is possible
If in love you do reside

Optical Illusion

You're rushing toward the light
Believing there is something better
Than what you have right here
In a life based on altruism
It is astonishing that you fail to consider
Those you leave behind
In all ways you are fearless
Do not be fearless in this

Don't greet death with a kiss
Invite it to dinner
To feast on your Country Roses
And sup with your despair
There is nothing sadder than a life unlived
A family torn by apathy and indifference
No reason to believe
That light outshines this darkness

So what if there are gold streets, living waters
And angelic songs
There is still no guarantee
That faith ends in glorious reward
It seems so irresponsible to squander health
And not be grateful for gifts already bestowed
Five bright spots in an otherwise regretful story
Stand here beside you, praying for the best

I know that heaven, with all its attractions
Eternity with your Creator
And promises of peace beckons you at every turn
Please postpone your journey
As this one is not yet done
I'm not ready to lose you
My friend and my pillar
To infirmity and carelessness

It cannot be the will of God
For you to sacrifice yourself
When provision was already made
For you to be in health and prosper
Step away from the funhouse mirror
The illusion that proclaims
That another plane of existence
Is better than the regard I have for you
Right here

Hits

The hits
They keep coming
Before we can kneel to stand
The chasm
Of death surrounding
Super sinking quicksand

Yet somehow hope
A pinprick of light
Manages to come through
As the hits
And their destruction
Leave us black and blue

The reaper shows his form
Forces us to withstand the blows
Thrown like sicles at our feet
But the contusions will heal
As all things do mend
When we accept defeat

Acceptance follows pain
Joy will follow grief
And the hits they keep re-fisting
The Victrola set to stun
But we still dance
And soldier on anti-war enlisting

Hear our cry Oh God
See our steadfast march
And note the stoic form
Send a Comforter to wage it for us
Encourage healing and protect
As our faith finds strength to be reborn

Priceless

I don't know how to let you go
Or how to feel without you here
I always believed I'd see you whole
I am amazed by your lack of fear

You are everything a young man should be
Kind strong and good
I don't know how our family will make it
No family ever should

I miss your smile,I see it always
And believe you're here somehow
I wish I could pick on you one more time
I hope you're holding our baby Brooke now

You were more than just a cousin
I have held you in my heart
You were like my own son
From all others set apart

I will miss you until I see you
Every minute, every day
I wish I could just tell you
How proud I am to say

You are such a fighter
Yet so gentle and unassuming
I can't stop all this crying
This grief is all consuming

You are priceless, Sweet Christopher
From the day that you were born
As we honor you and prepare you
To tread a path undeservedly well-worn

Consolation

No one wins
When no one plays fair
And admits when they are wrong

No one sees
The pain they cause
When singing their own painful song

No one loves
As good as they do
When the one they love is finally lost

No one knows
How it could have turned out
When no one can accept the cost

Daisy

This ridiculous beast
Hairy and white
Sleeps on my pillow
When I am not watching

She sheds on my carpet
In my car and my house
And bellows for me to
Take her walking

She loves me at all times
She's happy to see me
Wags her body
And gives me a smile

I never knew a person
Could love a beast so much
Or take such liking to a furball
and regard as a child

Finely

We have diced it up
Pulverized it
Hit puree and stuck in a hand

I can't keep blaming you
And blaming myself
It just is what it is

How many times must we say the same words?
Are we thinking the meanings will change?
Maybe if we played them backwards...

There have never been kisses
More sweet and never have tears
Fallen more bitterly

No matter how much anger
How many broken promises
I still need to know you're ok

So we re-hash
Rip off the band aid
And chop up our hearts again - finely

An Invocation for Beginnings by ZE Frank

“Don’t call it a comeback I’ll have hair for years. I’m scared. I’m scared that my abilities are gone.

I’m scared that I’m gonna f*ck this up.  And I’m scared of you.

I don’t wanna start but I will. This is an invocation for anyone who hasn’t begun.

Who’s stuck in a terrible place between zero and 1.

Let me realize that my past failures in follow through are no indication of my future performance,

They are just healthy little fires that are gonna warm up my a$$

If my FILDI is strong let me keep him in a velvet box until I really really need him

If my FILDI is weak let me feed him oranges and not let him gorge himself on ego and arrogance

Let me not hit up my facebook like it’s a crack pipe

Keep the browser closed

If I catch myself wearing a tootoo – too fat too late too old

Let me shake it off like a donkey would shake off something it doesn’t like

And when I get that feeling in my stomach, you know that feeling when all of a sudden you get a ball of energy and it shoots down into your legs and up into your arms and it tells you get up and stand up and go to the refrigerator and get a cheese sandwich?  That’s my cheese monster talking and my cheese monster will never be satisfied by cheddar – only the cheese of accomplishment.

Let me think about the people who I care about the most and how when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them.  Let me extend that generosity to myself. 

Let me find and use metaphors to help me understand the world around me and give me the strength to get rid of them when it is apparent they no longer work. 

Let me thank the parts of me that I don’t understand or are out of my rational control, like my creativity and my courage.  And let me remember that my courage is like a wild dog and won’t just come when I call it.  I have to chase it down and hold on as tight as I can. 

Let me not be so vain to think that I’m the sole author of my victories and a victim of my defeats.

Let me remember that the unintended meaning that people project onto what I do is neither my fault or something that I can take credit for.

Perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes but he’s a little bit of an a$$hole and no one invites him to their pool parties.

Let me remember that the impact of criticism is often not the intent of the critic.  But when the intent is evil, that’s what the block button’s for.  But when I eat my critique let me be able to separate out the good advice from the bitter herbs.

Let me not think of my work only as a stepping stone to something else.  And if it is, let me become fascinated with the shape of the stone.

Let me take the idea that has gotten me this far and put it to bed.  What I’m about to do will not be that but it will be something.

There is no need to sharpen my pencils anymore, my pencils are sharp enough – even the dull ones will make a mark.  Warts and all, let’s start this shit up.  And God let me enjoy this!  Life isn’t just a sequence of waiting for things to be done.”

ashow.zefrank.com

Wildflowers

the bonnets blue
call me to walk in the fields
paint with brushes
and the roses are prim

threads of green
drink cups of wine
as prickled poppies
dance in the wind

nightshades in silver
yarrow and flax
phlox of drummond and
a daisy called engelmann

they call forth the spring
wild sages in blue
court larkspur and reach
for the heavens

Trapped

My choices
Have rendered me helpless
Unable to do what I wish

I feel stifled
Immobile
And completely at risk

Why did I put myself
My life
In harms way?

I can't breathe
Can't rest
Can't do what I want with my day

Boxed in
No freedom
No power at all

I need peace
I need a break
I need not to feel so small

Banana Face

You make me so happy
Each time you say something I would say
And especially something I wouldn't
Or tell me you love me when I'm being silly
It is awesome that a long walk and wildflowers
Is all it takes to bring us together
I am more proud of you than anything else in this life
You are amazing in each and every way
Your sense of humor
Care for others
And sense of self
Bless me like nothing else
There is simply nothing better than being your Mom

A Mile in His Shoes - for Chris

He's been in a bed for months
And I take for granted, every step I take

He's been fighting his body
Ferociously for every cell

He looks different
More mature, more aware

He understands how precious life is
And I'm ashamed to squander mine

He inspires me to keep fighting
For what I know has meaning

He didn't want to be my hero this way
And I would take it on if I could

He just wants everyone to understand
What it would be like to walk a mile in his shoes

He will come through
And I will be glad that he supplies me with such hope

Which rights will you exclude?

Recent comments by Kirk Cameron, Rush Limbaugh and MANY celebrities weighing in on the issue of homosexuality and birth control got me thinking.  It is very important to separate these issues from religious doctrine.  Who a person sleeps with is simply none of mine, or anyone else's business.  It is simply not good manners to discuss or display such things.  They are private and intimate.  To me, this discussion is inappropriate.  I believe in equal rights for ALL people in ALL circumstances, from ALL walks of life with no regard to race, creed, religion, gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, political affiliation, favorite color, type of car they drive, type of house they live in, whether or not they pop pills, deserve grace, are a convicted felon, have ever had an impure thought or been a complete angel.  Rights are definite and specific.  They do not change because of who someone is.  Granted, what someone does in the context of breaking laws can limit their rights, but that is of their own volition.  I have the right to pursue my dreams, believe what I want, protect myself and insist on basic human dignity and respect from others.  I believe that that has been tested over time in a million ways but the fact remains that because I am a living, breathing, human organism, I am entitled to what every other human organism deserves.  I have no issues with any person celebrating the rights I have for one reason.  I will treat you as I want to be treated, which in fact, happens to be a biblical principle.  I don't want anyone to tell me who I can marry, how I can worship, or what I can do with my body.  Those things are gracefully given to me to decide.  The church has forgotten the basic tenets of love in favor of judgment.  Judgment is God's job.

As far as contraception goes, and whether or not it should be provided for free - please educate yourself on how the rights of women have been overlooked and violated since before and after suffrage.  Why shouldn't contraception be provided for women who can't afford it?? Would you provide them with medication to prevent heart disease, seizures, diabetes, etc?  Your response may be that pregnancy is preventable by abstinence so it is different.  Aren't heart disease and diabetes largely preventable?  Yet you'd have no problem providing those for free to someone who is indigent.  When did it become acceptable to not care about a whole person and only consider certain parts?  Again, it is important not to force one's views.  Everyone is at a different stage and level of understanding in their walk.  The most important thing is to love them through each and every step.

Just my two cents.  Perhaps, the only "Change" we need.

Live YOUR Life!!!

I took a vacation day yesterday and relaxed.  After a great breakfast and walking the trail I got to see "Act of Valor".  It was a good movie and I appreciated that they didn't try to make some huge political statement, they simply showed what the Seals go through and the sacrifices they make.  This quote by Tecumseh was in the movie and it really touched me.  This is how I hope to live my life.

"Live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about his religion.
Respect others in their views and demand that they respect yours.
Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.
Seek to make your life long and of service to your people.
Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,
or even a stranger, if in a lonely place.
Show respect to all people, but grovel to none.
When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light,
for your life, for your strength.
Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living.
If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.
Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools
and robs the spirit of its vision.
When your time comes to die,
be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death,
so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time
to live their lives over again in a different way.
Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home."

Strength

by Rachel Vilencia 2/17/12

Leaning

Away from the beach

Bent

Crooked

And close

Reminds me

Of home

Salty air

Sandy feet

A lonely pier

Tear stained cheeks

Peacefulness

The coastal oak

Strong

As it bends

To withstand

The wind

Inadequate

2/24/12 by Rachel Vilencia

I'd let you use me
But I'm all used up
It seems I've lost myself again
To the vain and self served

I had a decent heart once
One that believed in sacrifice
Now it suffers the numbness
Of apathy and rejected love

Your impatience
Insistence
and pride
force me away

You demand attention
Repect
and love
that I can barely find

So now I have only to gather
A way to love myself
Because I find you inadequate
In the most important of ways

Mediocre Melodies

8/18/03 Rachel K Zachary

no original thoughts in my mind today
nothing profound or new

no real opinions drawn
nothing ventured
nothing gained

mostly just the clutter of this
ordinary life

work sleep eat pray
laugh cry wait

where song once resounded
only mediocre melodies now play

Bitter Pill

Written some time in 2003 by Rachel Vilencia

This wound is deeper
Than any I have felt
I'm not quite sure of what to do

Is silence better?
Or do I explode
Allowing emotion to overtake me

Am I closer to God
or farther away
Have I gained a friend and lost my heart

Or found my heart
and lost my friend
Frustration seems to mount

Warm tears
Cold heart
Aching thoughts

A bitter pill
This wound too deep
As silence grows

And I shrink into myself
Alone and more afraid of the answer
Than the question

Alone

by Rachel Vilencia 5/23/11

Alone
Much worse than lonely
Stumbling without sight
Groping at forever moving objects
Feeling no relief
Like the proverbial itch
I must scratch
At the surface
Then go deep
To find out what is missing
Or if fulfillment can be reached
Is it possible I'm missing nothing
Just the guilt of disbelief
Spoon-feeding proven unsubstantial
More questions spring form inadequate answers
On this journey of blind faith
All I want is to see

When

by Rachel Vilencia 1/20/12 2:25 pm

Would you mind lingering here
stay in my bed

A few moments longer
I want to feel you breathe

Just rest in quiet eachother
unbridled divinity

I have wasted each moment before you
so I don't want this one to end

Just stay a few moments longer
you can leave

I'll let you know when

The Current

 

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

 

emptiness looms
like a gulf spun storm
toward my weary bones
and chisels away the ultraviolet
light that fuels my soul

i have stepped too far away to feel
a part of anything substantial

so i coast
coasting is easier
than acknowledging the utter lack
that is my shallow undertow

pulled further and further out
i tread
and tread
and tread

until i vanish
and the current is all i know

Loss

it is amazing how free you can be with trust whose cost cannot be measured
chances are all you have
when respect is all but gone

so much to lose
so much to learn
so much to take for granted

your self destruction is amazing
and i cannot help but wonder
why you hold yourself in such contempt

you need to lose
you need to learn
you need to see what it feels like to be taken for granted

i have often wondered how you can hurt the one you profess to love
like it doesn't matter
like you cannot see the pain you cause

I've had to lose
I've had to learn
I have been taken for granted

i think it is because you don't love yourself enough
to believe you deserve
to show love and be loved better

so we lose
so we learn
and we take this love for granted

written by Rachel Fohn posted 10/5/09

Not Enough

by Rachel Vilencia on Monday, October 12, 2009 at 2:02am

as I barrel through this heart of shards
the crystalline spears slice and I no longer feel
while I'm picking up the pieces of "I will"
I find that I shouldn't have

as you promise all of the right things
seconds after the end
promises fail and fall on deaf ears
my resolve is cemented in what I must do

as you go on and find what I could not be for you
and now know what losing me means
there is nothing born of this colossal destruction
of what we never could be

Over

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, October 18, 2009 at 12:40am

the nail is in the coffin
the final words are said
the pain has boiled over
your words ring in my head

so go now with your broken heart
see if it will mend
i never meant for this to happen
i cannot afford to bend

you break me over and over
in every way in every form
i'm tired of this icy tundra
i need some ground that's warm

alone is not so easy
but neither is loving you
and now that it's really over
i'm finally over you

Wings

by Rachel Vilencia on Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at 10:44pm

I haven't used my wings in so long
I'd forgotten they were there
But I know this about myself
I never fail to try

So I'll be ready when the time comes
To display them in the sun
No tripping as I run
To the edge and soar

I will discover who I am
Who I won't be
And will not settle for an imitation
Of what love really is

I won't allow fear to surpass happiness
Sadness to dethrone joy
I will be whole
And ready for the One

Nicole

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, November 22, 2009 at 11:53am

A force to be reckoned with
And reckon you should
She has much to teach
If you but learn
No apologies
No mistakes
Only love outstretched
To cover all who would bask in her warmth
Powerful
Unabashed
Dynamic
And alive
She is all you never knew you needed
In a sister and a friend

2010

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, January 3, 2010 at 8:56am

I will speak words that build instead of destroy.
Shake off the past and construct the future.
Be the example of what I want to see in others.
Settle for nothing less than the best.
I will wait.
I will listen.
I will love.
Press in to things of value.
Shun excess and welcome substance.
Get lost in the happiness of others.
Celebrate my daughter's laugh.
Wander aimlessly on purpose.
Forgive to be free.
Work harder than ever before.
Focus on positive things.
Remember to whom I belong.
Align myself with excellence.
Abandon insecurities.
Give like I have it all.
Party like it's 1999.
Spend time with those that truly love me.
Travel.
Appreciate the beauty and art in this world every moment.
Love my family.
Pray for those that hurt me.

End

Tuesday February 2, 2010

Endings are just beginnings who have met their end
Conclusions drawn and quartered
Finality at its finest
Curtains closed
The show is over

Time to ante up
Pay the piper
And walk away
Without looking at the fire
Or the ashes

Growth happens when a seed dies
And gives itself to the process
Of creating new life
A death resulting in the birth of what is meant to be

Winter never feels like Spring
But Spring is on its heels
Life is waiting
For the beginning to end

Chemistry

Tuesday February 2, 2010

Is it the emerald spark of life in my eyes
Or my angelic tone that draws you nearer
Pheromones and chemistry
Have you hooked like an opiate
Line and sinker
You fly toward me
Unable to stop yourself or slow

What is this attraction
That has you so forlorn
That you would risk your heart
To be held in these arms
To know me again
As you once did
As only yours

Will you throw caution to the wind
With reckless abandon
What is safe and secure
Just to feel
And be felt
And let chemistry abolish restraint
And pheromones govern reason

Or will you know now as you knew then
That we are dangerous
When combined
Or used for unintended purposes
Caustic and lethal
This mixture
Better left apart and marked
A pirate skull for warning
Left unsatisfied
and Yearning

Release

by Rachel Vilencia on Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 11:42pm

push all the right buttons
draw me close
steal my attention
feel me in

stare deeper
look longer
as I look away

know me
with hands in my hair
breath on my cheek

penetrate my core
pain beauty and grief
explore the unspoken parts of me

drink it in
a thirsty quench
and release me

Final Spring

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, March 21, 2010 at 9:30pm

the final hours of us are winding down
and you call to tell me you love me
that if I come back our lives will be as perfect
as I always expected them to be

that no day is complete
no action fulfilling
no laughter heartfelt
without me there

that you would do everything right
honor your family
understand your responsibilities
and care for someone more than yourself

that I would never again be disappointed
or have to see things hidden
never be broken hearted
because of your lies

and I can't help but think
that's what you promised
when you married me one February
so I have every reason to make this
our final Spring

A Man

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, April 18, 2010 at 2:53am

I am not asking for much
Just someone I can be proud of
And who is proud of me

Someone who insists on what is right
And accepts me when I am wrong

A man who can say no with love in his eyes
And is brave enough to stand
In spite of all comers

No knight in shining armor
No prince with a waking kiss
Just a man
No more no less

A man who makes me a better woman
a better mother
a better person
Simply by being himself

One who can feel beyond my body
Enough to see what is truly beautiful
Inside and out

I am not asking for much
Just all that I myself would give
To love a man like this

Smile

Friday, April 23, 2010

an open door
smiling eyes
the first accidentally on purpose
brush of hands
I knew somehow
it would be perfect
only I didn't expect
this shell-shocked effect

thoughts held captive
cells on fire
new life is breathed in
to a weary heart

worth every moment
of precious lost sleep
if every moment
means smiling with you

Pen To Tree

by Rachel Vilencia on Friday, April 23, 2010 at 1:40pm

Pen to tree
My thoughts unfurl
Kaleidescopic beams of light
A wellspring flow
Synapses explode
Every one a blinding spark
My chosen medium
For self expression
Frees me from within
Pen to tree
I change my world
And who I am begins

Bricks

Friday, April 23, 2010

a ton of bricks

it hits me

a full court press

against me

an assault on common senses

an utter invasion

of thoughts and dreams

capturing what is possible

and enslaving what could be

a regard only for making me smile

hours spent giving way

and giving away a heart worth having

while releasing my own

Bring Out Your Dead

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 3:14pm

bring out your dead
all the vile you conceal
show me your worst
and I will show you grace

skeletons
secrets
lies
and
shames

I will take them on

to love you is to love even these

bring out your sadness
your crushing grief
and promises lost
and I will be all things new

I will hold you through the withdrawals

to know you is to embrace even this

bring out your tears
the things that hurt even now
this wound much deeper
than any you have felt

I will help you remember peace

to explore you is to discover all of that

so bring out your dead
let it rot in the sun
and become the fuel
for new life to begin

Jump

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 4:49pm

Staring over the edge
of the Cliff of Greatness
I pause and think before I jump
Will I hit bottom?

Or will I catch a gust of wind
that helps me gently float
to a soft landing or a
higher peak?

Brilliance is born of risk
an element of danger
in every choice
that makes me feel alive.

So I run
full speed ahead
adopt my form
and feel the Earth leave my feet.

For I would rather
crash and be done
than fear the worst
and forget to LIVE.

Weakest

by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 12:24am

I am weakest in my strength
My wall of volcanic stone
Porous and impenetrable

Purified by fires
Lit by friend and foe
Designed to test my mettle

Now hardened over time
Unable to just feel
Or be sufficiently felt

A caravan of "baggage"
Thrown onto the pyre
Becomes the sediment that builds

My weakest strength
Hidden behind a plastic smile
Atop this unsustainable mountain

Thanks

by Rachel Vilencia on Tuesday, July 13, 2010 at 12:55am

I give thanks for the pain
the grief placed within
because it means I can feel

I give thanks for the tears
that fall though I fight
because they mean I can care

I give thanks for the troubles
that keep me up nights
because they mean victory

I give thanks for the anger
that burns inside out
because it means I won't settle

I give thanks for the screams
that still pierce my ears
because they give way for the silence

I give thanks for the storms
that shatter my defenses
because they wash my soul clean

I give thanks for the drama
that plays like a scene
because it means the academy is watching

I give thanks for the grief
the sadness for lost things
because it means I can be found

I give thanks for disappointment
whose voracity consumes
because it leaves room for renewal

I give thanks for my failures
that learn the hard lessons
because they mean transformation

A Victim of My Own Optimism

by Rachel Vilencia on Thursday, July 15, 2010 at 9:42am

I am reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and am blessed by her wisdom...


"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."


"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."


"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."


"I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on the water."


"Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift."

and my favorite....


"If I am truly to become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian...I not only have to become my own husband, but I need to be my own father, too."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

Running

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, July 18, 2010 at 8:35pm

exhausted and spent
you catch up with me
winded and emotionally drained
tired of running
you stop me long enough to hear your voice

"Be still"
"I forgive you"
"I have loved you before you were formed"
"I will be your Father"
"I will be the PERFECT man"

like a wellspring it exploded
the feeling of your love
and reminded me of who I am
daughter of the Most High
singer of blessing songs
teacher to all who would listen

"Yes Sir"
"Thank you"
"I know you have"
"again thank you"
"You are the only PERFECT man"

my running career is over
unless I am running to You

Catalyst

by Rachel Vilencia on Saturday, July 17, 2010 at 4:54am

I strayed far from a chosen path
To choose you
I veered so far left it caused me to circle

The distance, Grand Canyon wide
Was too hard to breach

Withdrawal became retreat
A mixture of hops your only confidant
Left me clammoring for a solution

The past, marrow deep
Was too hard to recover from

So you who "meant no harm"
Administered harm indeed
Right through the core of my trust

The sorrow, an ocean across
Was too hard to traverse

But instead of continued reflection
Words exchanged and rearranged
This "relationship" is now a catalyst

The growth, exponential and real
Will be my reward as I conquer

And find strength within
Leaving parts worth losing
Allowing my faith to heal

Hurt (also aptly titled, The Aftermath)

by Rachel Vilencia on Saturday, July 24, 2010 at 8:03pm

it just hurts
no redeeming quality
no real lesson to be learned
just pain

deleting the pictures
as if the recycle bin
will erase my memory
of all thoughts of you

doing the right thing
isn't always easy
sometimes the fire
is worth risking the burn

I see your eyes
when I close mine
I miss your smile
your voice singing our songs

this just hurts
and I pray that God will help me
not to miss you
not to love you this way

Control

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

push
prod
bulldoze
China cabinets beware

I must have
my measure of control

I now being broken down
into this dependent strength
learn to yield to You

I must have
Your presence in my life

instead of pushing I concede
prodding becomes gentle supplication
and the China is safely encased

I must have
been out of control for not trusting You all along

Untitled

When you come for me
I will be ready

I have been preparing myself to be yours my whole life

by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, August 18, 2010 at 1:54am

When you fall for me
I will catch you

And try not to fall myself so one will always hold the other up

When you look at me
I will let you

Observe every perfect imperfection and accept me with grace

When you allow me to
I will love you

And always know that we were planned before the stars

True Love

by Rachel Vilencia on Thursday, August 19, 2010 at 8:17am

the inner workings
no one gets to see
the hidden treasures
or secrets turned by skeleton keys
that is where the magic of your love
does its best work

changing
refining
making clear

all of the things
that I think I want or need
become grafted in to Your will
as I start to realize a better me
and a better peace of mind
because Your thoughts are higher

reassuring
revealing
making whole

teaching me that love, true love
is not a feeling but an action
exacted with purpose and grace
meant to transform my inner workings
to help me show that amazing love in turn
to those in need of comprehending true intimacy

Metamorphosis

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I emerge
Wings still wet
As my colors unfold
And I perch myself
And steady my legs on this clumsy cocoon

My slumber is over
Time to get on with it
And use these beautiful wings
Nothing worth seeing from the ground
Perspective anew

No longer a pawn
A Monarch now stands
Graciously bestowing
Wings to whoever would choose
Metamorphosis over monotony

Web

 by Rachel Vilencia on Saturday, September 11, 2010 at 11:22pm

You weave lies
1700 count

You paint the most amazing picture of yourself
Captain America meets Romeo

Not the cool, edgy version of Romeo mind you
the really girly one

Heroic actions under your belt
Packing a mean mixture of sensitivity and tragic flaws

You present yourself
Shirt and tie
Mr. Has the Answer
Knows the Question
Seen it all, mass produced the T Shirt

Your confidence has no swagger
The iron pyrite variety
Makes the finder foolish

So lie to yourself
No one else is listening
And you will find yourself alone

Sure,
sometimes alone is good
But,
even you
Will tire from trying to struggle free

Tangled in your weaver's web
Falsehoods
False hope

Disappointment
All around

Powerful

by Rachel Vilencia on Saturday, September 11, 2010 at 11:33pm

Roll your eyes
Think me foolish
Underestimate me please

You'll soon find out
Just who it is you are dealing with

I've never met a challenge
I didn't steamroll with a smile

Tell me I can't
Watch me do it

Tell me no one has
I'll do it with style

Tell me no one cares
And I will show you how much I do

So tell yourself I won't make it

I'll be there waiting at the finish line
Selling fresh squeezed lemonade

When you finally show up

Can I get an Amen? Apologies, Acceptances and Aggravations

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, September 19, 2010 at 10:10pm

Two months ago, I was suffering from a broken heart. I saw potential in a relationship that was so out of order it was scary, when it ended, I was devastated. I wanted so badly to feel love and be emotionally attached to someone after the difficult year I had had. Nevermind that the difficult year was the direct result of another out of order relationship that ended in divorce. Since 2004 I have been walking through life making decisions based on what felt right at the time or met my physical or emotional needs.

The biggest problem with living that way is that human beings need balance. There was nothing, and I mean nothing, filling my spirit. I know...you may be thinking that I'm crazy for feeling that way or you may see no need for tending to your spirit. We're talking about me here, so keep up. I know I need it, because I know how the absence of it affects every cell, every thought, every decision and every relationship I try to construct out of temporary things.

So, back to the issue at hand. There I am, broken hearted, sobbing uncontrollably. For the record, I don't have one of those pretty, one teardrop falls, sad doe- eyed cries. When I cry my chest hurts, I am a terrible snotty mess. So I'm crying and as vividly as you are reading this I felt an urgency. I should love God this way, not this man. I should care so much about my relationship with God that I would be willing to weep for it, to try for it, to nurture it, to provide for it, to cherish it, to protect it, to love it - more than myself or anyone else. I have neglected the first and most important relationship in my life and tried to fill that gap with work, inappropriate relationships, and anything else I could get myself into. Thankfully I have never used a drug and was protected from going that far.

Over the last 7 months or so I had been bombarded with opportunities to learn this lesson and make some things right. I didn't take them. Honestly, I was having fun dating and falling "in love". Guess what....THERE IS NO TRUE REAL LOVE WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING LOVE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CREATOR. Yep, I typed it. Read it again. Now I know statements like that set me up for some eye rolling, maybe even a few snide comments and to that I say "Bring It". I know what I need. I know what is right for me. I know that I had to share this because it has been revolutionary in my life. I share it not to influence anyone, only to give praise for what making that change has brought to my peace of mind, my level of joy and my level of expectation in this life.

I just left a great job. A job I loved so much that performing it effectively meant neglecting my relationship with Hannah. I left a great deal of financial security and emotional support. I am figuring out that what truly means something to me in this life is not money. Sure money is great and it helps us to accomplish so many things, but when I die I will not say that I wish I had worked more or had more money. I will say that I wish I had just one more minute with those I love, especially my daughter. I live two miles from Shannon who has been one of my biggest suppporters and encouragers for 21 years. She has a wonderful family that blesses me daily just by spending time with them - and the food is great too :) I am part of a great church, full of people who understand the value of corporate worship and encouragement. I am blessed, far more richly than ever before.

I am back doing what I was called and meant to do. You may not know this but I was in ministry over the years. I have been a worship leader and a youth pastor. The lives I came in contact with and the people I was allowed to know and to bless continue to encourage me to this day and have sustained me through some very difficult times.

What I have had to admit to myself is that my wounds were self inflicted. It would be great to blame someone else for my pain but the truth is I knew what was right and what was wrong to do. I know, and knew what decisions were best and took the easy road instead of standing my ground. I did what I wanted to at the time, with no thought of the outcome or lasting effects of those decisions. I have left many people in the wake of those choices and to you I am sorry. If I ever left you shaking your head and thinking "What the heck is she doing this for?" rest assured that I fully comprehend my idiocy! :)

Daily I am reminded of God's amazing love for me, His amazing tolerance, His amazing gracefulness and patience. If you have ever thought that God doesn't care for you let me assure you He does. I am a hot mess and He cares for me. Thank you for reading this, for laughing and joking with me on this wonderful connector called Facebook. I appreciate all of you in the most amazing ways. Nothin' but love!!!!! Remind me who I am if I slip and try not to judge me too harshly, we all fall short and at 5'6" I'm barely breaking average ;P

Expecting

by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, September 29, 2010 at 8:37am
As I come before you
Expecting
I know your Spirit will be there
To comfort
Restore and Renew

Provision was made
Before the problem was introduced
And you are faithful
To supply my needs
And even some wants

Birth in me
Reignited joy
Servitude
Steadfastness
and Strength

This race I set my feet to long ago
Is not finished yet
And I EXPECT to cross the line
And be drenched in Your love
Forever

Same Eyes

by Rachel Vilencia on Tuesday, October 26, 2010 at 10:57pm

I am not sure if it is
Your razor sharp wit
The kindness in your eyes
Or how much you make me want to
Do
and Be
Right

The example you have set
Or the man you will become
The hope of an amazing future

It makes me believe you will be
The man to enhance my life

To challenge me to grow as a woman
As a child of God
Mother and friend

If only you saw me
With the same eyes

And I could be that too

Wonderland

by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, February 23, 2011 at 11:07pm

The Mad Hatter has left the building
The Queen of Hearts has lost her head
The tumble down the rabbit's hole
Placed heels over head

The bottle says "Drink me"
and grow larger than life
so big you cannot manage
the feelings that tell you to run

You're late you see
For a very important fate
The looking glass
Reflecting what you refuse to see

The Hatter has taken two lumps
The Queen's heart is cold
The tea party is over
and Alice must return home

Food for Thought

by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, March 13, 2011 at 11:01pm

you move through my mind
planting what ifs
possibilities without end
a jigsaw fit
round and straight together
tightly completing the image
of perfect togetherness
dreams germinate
as our history unfolds
we have never left
eachothers thoughts
so step deeper and know
and reap
and sow
we will harvest it
side by side
and the fields
you helped plant
will nourish us both

Crooked

by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 8:34pm

make straight this path
that veered off into selfishness
smooth the trouble chisled edges
designed to keep help at bay
remind me that things
don't have to be so tough
partner me with strength again
give way for healing peace
not more emotional regurgitations
coulda shoulda woulda beens
just what can forever be
walking in promises as yet unfulfilled
take the things no one sees
the emptiness, insecurity
fear of failure and lack of trust
and replace them with the knowledge
that nothing can fail in your love
or be separated from your grace
make straight this path
bring it back to where I was
before I stopped hearing
before I forgot my place
and make this vessel
able to carry your purpose again

New Day

by Rachel Vilencia on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 12:41am

Stay with me
While the sun creeps up over the bay
Dawn breaks
And this new day brings promise
Linger here
In this moment of perfection
No words
Just be still
It is not often that we
Can just enjoy
Eachother
Without the pressure of this life
Hold me
Not too tight
But close enough to feel
Your heartbeat on my face
This moment
This perfect moment
Is enough to get me to
The promise of the next new day

Untried

by Rachel Vilencia on Thursday, July 14, 2011 at 11:11pm

 

Not one to go with the status flow
Rebel without a pause
Asking why when others wouldn't
And not accepting "Just because"
Weaving in and out of the lines
Some would have me stay inside
Busy airbrushing my own landscape
You don't know my life ;)
With the intention of living each day
As though it never lasts
Keeps me focused on the present
Not what's future or what's past
On this fantastic voyage
Just enjoying the bumpy ride
In line for the mammoth wooden coaster
And the road as yet untried

To Spite

Monday, November 14, 2011

 

I always lose you along the way
perturbed that you don't keep up
The moment I realize
you're not there
sadness
Aloneness
cursed loneliness
Indentured solitude
restrained
Contained
subjective
to will and want alike
Only free with love taken
never given
To spite

Alive

Alive

by Rachel Vilencia on Monday, December 5, 2011 at 10:22pm ·

 

you're resting well

miles away
smiles away
and I wish you were here
just to talk
in close proximity
instead of on frequencies unseen
to smell you
touch you
taste you
would be divine
worth the wait
the time
the frustration
the truth in your voice
your contagious smile
the confident way
you guide me to you
I am either the luckiest
or the most helplessly foolish
woman alive

Brooke

Since I wrote my last blog my faith crisis is in full swing.  My cousin had that sweet baby and named her Brooke Lynn Proske.  She died on the last day of January at 5 months and 15 days old.  Her funeral was February 5th.  Exactly one year since Stella died.  I find it hard not to cry and not to question.  I am so sad and so concerned for Lena and Mike.  Chris is still fighting - I just don't know how they find the strength.

I have never been good at keeping up with blogging, although I've tried on many occassions.  I almost never go back and read what I have written so forgive any errors.  I am my harshest critic.

I have decided to post the poems I have written.  They are the most direct path to how I feel and who I am.  Perhaps sharing will help me get through.  This has been my hardest year and I cannot imagine how those closest to Stella and Brooke can handle losing them.  Prayers are appreciated and much required.