by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, September 19, 2010 at 10:10pm
Two months ago, I was suffering from a broken heart. I saw potential in a relationship that was so out of order it was scary, when it ended, I was devastated. I wanted so badly to feel love and be emotionally attached to someone after the difficult year I had had. Nevermind that the difficult year was the direct result of another out of order relationship that ended in divorce. Since 2004 I have been walking through life making decisions based on what felt right at the time or met my physical or emotional needs.
The biggest problem with living that way is that human beings need balance. There was nothing, and I mean nothing, filling my spirit. I know...you may be thinking that I'm crazy for feeling that way or you may see no need for tending to your spirit. We're talking about me here, so keep up. I know I need it, because I know how the absence of it affects every cell, every thought, every decision and every relationship I try to construct out of temporary things.
So, back to the issue at hand. There I am, broken hearted, sobbing uncontrollably. For the record, I don't have one of those pretty, one teardrop falls, sad doe- eyed cries. When I cry my chest hurts, I am a terrible snotty mess. So I'm crying and as vividly as you are reading this I felt an urgency. I should love God this way, not this man. I should care so much about my relationship with God that I would be willing to weep for it, to try for it, to nurture it, to provide for it, to cherish it, to protect it, to love it - more than myself or anyone else. I have neglected the first and most important relationship in my life and tried to fill that gap with work, inappropriate relationships, and anything else I could get myself into. Thankfully I have never used a drug and was protected from going that far.
Over the last 7 months or so I had been bombarded with opportunities to learn this lesson and make some things right. I didn't take them. Honestly, I was having fun dating and falling "in love". Guess what....THERE IS NO TRUE REAL LOVE WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING LOVE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CREATOR. Yep, I typed it. Read it again. Now I know statements like that set me up for some eye rolling, maybe even a few snide comments and to that I say "Bring It". I know what I need. I know what is right for me. I know that I had to share this because it has been revolutionary in my life. I share it not to influence anyone, only to give praise for what making that change has brought to my peace of mind, my level of joy and my level of expectation in this life.
I just left a great job. A job I loved so much that performing it effectively meant neglecting my relationship with Hannah. I left a great deal of financial security and emotional support. I am figuring out that what truly means something to me in this life is not money. Sure money is great and it helps us to accomplish so many things, but when I die I will not say that I wish I had worked more or had more money. I will say that I wish I had just one more minute with those I love, especially my daughter. I live two miles from Shannon who has been one of my biggest suppporters and encouragers for 21 years. She has a wonderful family that blesses me daily just by spending time with them - and the food is great too :) I am part of a great church, full of people who understand the value of corporate worship and encouragement. I am blessed, far more richly than ever before.
I am back doing what I was called and meant to do. You may not know this but I was in ministry over the years. I have been a worship leader and a youth pastor. The lives I came in contact with and the people I was allowed to know and to bless continue to encourage me to this day and have sustained me through some very difficult times.
What I have had to admit to myself is that my wounds were self inflicted. It would be great to blame someone else for my pain but the truth is I knew what was right and what was wrong to do. I know, and knew what decisions were best and took the easy road instead of standing my ground. I did what I wanted to at the time, with no thought of the outcome or lasting effects of those decisions. I have left many people in the wake of those choices and to you I am sorry. If I ever left you shaking your head and thinking "What the heck is she doing this for?" rest assured that I fully comprehend my idiocy! :)
Daily I am reminded of God's amazing love for me, His amazing tolerance, His amazing gracefulness and patience. If you have ever thought that God doesn't care for you let me assure you He does. I am a hot mess and He cares for me. Thank you for reading this, for laughing and joking with me on this wonderful connector called Facebook. I appreciate all of you in the most amazing ways. Nothin' but love!!!!! Remind me who I am if I slip and try not to judge me too harshly, we all fall short and at 5'6" I'm barely breaking average ;P
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