by Rachel Vilencia 2/17/12
Leaning
Away from the beach
Bent
Crooked
And close
Reminds me
Of home
Salty air
Sandy feet
A lonely pier
Tear stained cheeks
Peacefulness
The coastal oak
Strong
As it bends
To withstand
The wind
Monday, February 27, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Inadequate
2/24/12 by Rachel Vilencia
I'd let you use me
But I'm all used up
It seems I've lost myself again
To the vain and self served
I had a decent heart once
One that believed in sacrifice
Now it suffers the numbness
Of apathy and rejected love
Your impatience
Insistence
and pride
force me away
You demand attention
Repect
and love
that I can barely find
So now I have only to gather
A way to love myself
Because I find you inadequate
In the most important of ways
I'd let you use me
But I'm all used up
It seems I've lost myself again
To the vain and self served
I had a decent heart once
One that believed in sacrifice
Now it suffers the numbness
Of apathy and rejected love
Your impatience
Insistence
and pride
force me away
You demand attention
Repect
and love
that I can barely find
So now I have only to gather
A way to love myself
Because I find you inadequate
In the most important of ways
Mediocre Melodies
8/18/03 Rachel K Zachary
no original thoughts in my mind today
nothing profound or new
no real opinions drawn
nothing ventured
nothing gained
mostly just the clutter of this
ordinary life
work sleep eat pray
laugh cry wait
where song once resounded
only mediocre melodies now play
no original thoughts in my mind today
nothing profound or new
no real opinions drawn
nothing ventured
nothing gained
mostly just the clutter of this
ordinary life
work sleep eat pray
laugh cry wait
where song once resounded
only mediocre melodies now play
Bitter Pill
Written some time in 2003 by Rachel Vilencia
This wound is deeper
Than any I have felt
I'm not quite sure of what to do
Is silence better?
Or do I explode
Allowing emotion to overtake me
Am I closer to God
or farther away
Have I gained a friend and lost my heart
Or found my heart
and lost my friend
Frustration seems to mount
Warm tears
Cold heart
Aching thoughts
A bitter pill
This wound too deep
As silence grows
And I shrink into myself
Alone and more afraid of the answer
Than the question
This wound is deeper
Than any I have felt
I'm not quite sure of what to do
Is silence better?
Or do I explode
Allowing emotion to overtake me
Am I closer to God
or farther away
Have I gained a friend and lost my heart
Or found my heart
and lost my friend
Frustration seems to mount
Warm tears
Cold heart
Aching thoughts
A bitter pill
This wound too deep
As silence grows
And I shrink into myself
Alone and more afraid of the answer
Than the question
Alone
by Rachel Vilencia 5/23/11
Alone
Much worse than lonely
Stumbling without sight
Groping at forever moving objects
Feeling no relief
Like the proverbial itch
I must scratch
At the surface
Then go deep
To find out what is missing
Or if fulfillment can be reached
Is it possible I'm missing nothing
Just the guilt of disbelief
Spoon-feeding proven unsubstantial
More questions spring form inadequate answers
On this journey of blind faith
All I want is to see
Alone
Much worse than lonely
Stumbling without sight
Groping at forever moving objects
Feeling no relief
Like the proverbial itch
I must scratch
At the surface
Then go deep
To find out what is missing
Or if fulfillment can be reached
Is it possible I'm missing nothing
Just the guilt of disbelief
Spoon-feeding proven unsubstantial
More questions spring form inadequate answers
On this journey of blind faith
All I want is to see
When
by Rachel Vilencia 1/20/12 2:25 pm
Would you mind lingering here
stay in my bed
A few moments longer
I want to feel you breathe
Just rest in quiet eachother
unbridled divinity
I have wasted each moment before you
so I don't want this one to end
Just stay a few moments longer
you can leave
I'll let you know when
Would you mind lingering here
stay in my bed
A few moments longer
I want to feel you breathe
Just rest in quiet eachother
unbridled divinity
I have wasted each moment before you
so I don't want this one to end
Just stay a few moments longer
you can leave
I'll let you know when
The Current
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
emptiness looms
like a gulf spun storm
toward my weary bones
and chisels away the ultraviolet
light that fuels my soul
i have stepped too far away to feel
a part of anything substantial
so i coast
coasting is easier
than acknowledging the utter lack
that is my shallow undertow
pulled further and further out
i tread
and tread
and tread
until i vanish
and the current is all i know
like a gulf spun storm
toward my weary bones
and chisels away the ultraviolet
light that fuels my soul
i have stepped too far away to feel
a part of anything substantial
so i coast
coasting is easier
than acknowledging the utter lack
that is my shallow undertow
pulled further and further out
i tread
and tread
and tread
until i vanish
and the current is all i know
Loss
it is amazing how free you can be with trust whose cost cannot be measured
chances are all you have
when respect is all but gone
so much to lose
so much to learn
so much to take for granted
your self destruction is amazing
and i cannot help but wonder
why you hold yourself in such contempt
you need to lose
you need to learn
you need to see what it feels like to be taken for granted
i have often wondered how you can hurt the one you profess to love
like it doesn't matter
like you cannot see the pain you cause
I've had to lose
I've had to learn
I have been taken for granted
i think it is because you don't love yourself enough
to believe you deserve
to show love and be loved better
so we lose
so we learn
and we take this love for granted
written by Rachel Fohn posted 10/5/09
chances are all you have
when respect is all but gone
so much to lose
so much to learn
so much to take for granted
your self destruction is amazing
and i cannot help but wonder
why you hold yourself in such contempt
you need to lose
you need to learn
you need to see what it feels like to be taken for granted
i have often wondered how you can hurt the one you profess to love
like it doesn't matter
like you cannot see the pain you cause
I've had to lose
I've had to learn
I have been taken for granted
i think it is because you don't love yourself enough
to believe you deserve
to show love and be loved better
so we lose
so we learn
and we take this love for granted
written by Rachel Fohn posted 10/5/09
Not Enough
by Rachel Vilencia on Monday, October 12, 2009 at 2:02am
as I barrel through this heart of shards
the crystalline spears slice and I no longer feel
while I'm picking up the pieces of "I will"
I find that I shouldn't have
as you promise all of the right things
seconds after the end
promises fail and fall on deaf ears
my resolve is cemented in what I must do
as you go on and find what I could not be for you
and now know what losing me means
there is nothing born of this colossal destruction
of what we never could be
the crystalline spears slice and I no longer feel
while I'm picking up the pieces of "I will"
I find that I shouldn't have
as you promise all of the right things
seconds after the end
promises fail and fall on deaf ears
my resolve is cemented in what I must do
as you go on and find what I could not be for you
and now know what losing me means
there is nothing born of this colossal destruction
of what we never could be
Over
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, October 18, 2009 at 12:40am
the nail is in the coffin
the final words are said
the pain has boiled over
your words ring in my head
so go now with your broken heart
see if it will mend
i never meant for this to happen
i cannot afford to bend
you break me over and over
in every way in every form
i'm tired of this icy tundra
i need some ground that's warm
alone is not so easy
but neither is loving you
and now that it's really over
i'm finally over you
the nail is in the coffin
the final words are said
the pain has boiled over
your words ring in my head
so go now with your broken heart
see if it will mend
i never meant for this to happen
i cannot afford to bend
you break me over and over
in every way in every form
i'm tired of this icy tundra
i need some ground that's warm
alone is not so easy
but neither is loving you
and now that it's really over
i'm finally over you
Wings
by Rachel Vilencia on Tuesday, October 27, 2009 at 10:44pm
I haven't used my wings in so long
I'd forgotten they were there
But I know this about myself
I never fail to try
So I'll be ready when the time comes
To display them in the sun
No tripping as I run
To the edge and soar
I will discover who I am
Who I won't be
And will not settle for an imitation
Of what love really is
I won't allow fear to surpass happiness
Sadness to dethrone joy
I will be whole
And ready for the One
I haven't used my wings in so long
I'd forgotten they were there
But I know this about myself
I never fail to try
So I'll be ready when the time comes
To display them in the sun
No tripping as I run
To the edge and soar
I will discover who I am
Who I won't be
And will not settle for an imitation
Of what love really is
I won't allow fear to surpass happiness
Sadness to dethrone joy
I will be whole
And ready for the One
Nicole
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, November 22, 2009 at 11:53am
A force to be reckoned with
And reckon you should
She has much to teach
If you but learn
No apologies
No mistakes
Only love outstretched
To cover all who would bask in her warmth
Powerful
Unabashed
Dynamic
And alive
She is all you never knew you needed
In a sister and a friend
A force to be reckoned with
And reckon you should
She has much to teach
If you but learn
No apologies
No mistakes
Only love outstretched
To cover all who would bask in her warmth
Powerful
Unabashed
Dynamic
And alive
She is all you never knew you needed
In a sister and a friend
2010
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, January 3, 2010 at 8:56am
I will speak words that build instead of destroy.
Shake off the past and construct the future.
Be the example of what I want to see in others.
Settle for nothing less than the best.
I will wait.
I will listen.
I will love.
Press in to things of value.
Shun excess and welcome substance.
Get lost in the happiness of others.
Celebrate my daughter's laugh.
Wander aimlessly on purpose.
Forgive to be free.
Work harder than ever before.
Focus on positive things.
Remember to whom I belong.
Align myself with excellence.
Abandon insecurities.
Give like I have it all.
Party like it's 1999.
Spend time with those that truly love me.
Travel.
Appreciate the beauty and art in this world every moment.
Love my family.
Pray for those that hurt me.
I will speak words that build instead of destroy.
Shake off the past and construct the future.
Be the example of what I want to see in others.
Settle for nothing less than the best.
I will wait.
I will listen.
I will love.
Press in to things of value.
Shun excess and welcome substance.
Get lost in the happiness of others.
Celebrate my daughter's laugh.
Wander aimlessly on purpose.
Forgive to be free.
Work harder than ever before.
Focus on positive things.
Remember to whom I belong.
Align myself with excellence.
Abandon insecurities.
Give like I have it all.
Party like it's 1999.
Spend time with those that truly love me.
Travel.
Appreciate the beauty and art in this world every moment.
Love my family.
Pray for those that hurt me.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
End
Tuesday February 2, 2010
Endings are just beginnings who have met their end
Conclusions drawn and quartered
Finality at its finest
Curtains closed
The show is over
Time to ante up
Pay the piper
And walk away
Without looking at the fire
Or the ashes
Growth happens when a seed dies
And gives itself to the process
Of creating new life
A death resulting in the birth of what is meant to be
Winter never feels like Spring
But Spring is on its heels
Life is waiting
For the beginning to end
Endings are just beginnings who have met their end
Conclusions drawn and quartered
Finality at its finest
Curtains closed
The show is over
Time to ante up
Pay the piper
And walk away
Without looking at the fire
Or the ashes
Growth happens when a seed dies
And gives itself to the process
Of creating new life
A death resulting in the birth of what is meant to be
Winter never feels like Spring
But Spring is on its heels
Life is waiting
For the beginning to end
Chemistry
Tuesday February 2, 2010
Is it the emerald spark of life in my eyes
Or my angelic tone that draws you nearer
Pheromones and chemistry
Have you hooked like an opiate
Line and sinker
You fly toward me
Unable to stop yourself or slow
What is this attraction
That has you so forlorn
That you would risk your heart
To be held in these arms
To know me again
As you once did
As only yours
Will you throw caution to the wind
With reckless abandon
What is safe and secure
Just to feel
And be felt
And let chemistry abolish restraint
And pheromones govern reason
Or will you know now as you knew then
That we are dangerous
When combined
Or used for unintended purposes
Caustic and lethal
This mixture
Better left apart and marked
A pirate skull for warning
Left unsatisfied
and Yearning
Is it the emerald spark of life in my eyes
Or my angelic tone that draws you nearer
Pheromones and chemistry
Have you hooked like an opiate
Line and sinker
You fly toward me
Unable to stop yourself or slow
What is this attraction
That has you so forlorn
That you would risk your heart
To be held in these arms
To know me again
As you once did
As only yours
Will you throw caution to the wind
With reckless abandon
What is safe and secure
Just to feel
And be felt
And let chemistry abolish restraint
And pheromones govern reason
Or will you know now as you knew then
That we are dangerous
When combined
Or used for unintended purposes
Caustic and lethal
This mixture
Better left apart and marked
A pirate skull for warning
Left unsatisfied
and Yearning
Release
by Rachel Vilencia on Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 11:42pm
push all the right buttons
draw me close
steal my attention
feel me in
stare deeper
look longer
as I look away
know me
with hands in my hair
breath on my cheek
penetrate my core
pain beauty and grief
explore the unspoken parts of me
drink it in
a thirsty quench
and release me
push all the right buttons
draw me close
steal my attention
feel me in
stare deeper
look longer
as I look away
know me
with hands in my hair
breath on my cheek
penetrate my core
pain beauty and grief
explore the unspoken parts of me
drink it in
a thirsty quench
and release me
Final Spring
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, March 21, 2010 at 9:30pm
the final hours of us are winding down
and you call to tell me you love me
that if I come back our lives will be as perfect
as I always expected them to be
that no day is complete
no action fulfilling
no laughter heartfelt
without me there
that you would do everything right
honor your family
understand your responsibilities
and care for someone more than yourself
that I would never again be disappointed
or have to see things hidden
never be broken hearted
because of your lies
and I can't help but think
that's what you promised
when you married me one February
so I have every reason to make this
our final Spring
the final hours of us are winding down
and you call to tell me you love me
that if I come back our lives will be as perfect
as I always expected them to be
that no day is complete
no action fulfilling
no laughter heartfelt
without me there
that you would do everything right
honor your family
understand your responsibilities
and care for someone more than yourself
that I would never again be disappointed
or have to see things hidden
never be broken hearted
because of your lies
and I can't help but think
that's what you promised
when you married me one February
so I have every reason to make this
our final Spring
A Man
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, April 18, 2010 at 2:53am
I am not asking for much
Just someone I can be proud of
And who is proud of me
Someone who insists on what is right
And accepts me when I am wrong
A man who can say no with love in his eyes
And is brave enough to stand
In spite of all comers
No knight in shining armor
No prince with a waking kiss
Just a man
No more no less
A man who makes me a better woman
a better mother
a better person
Simply by being himself
One who can feel beyond my body
Enough to see what is truly beautiful
Inside and out
I am not asking for much
Just all that I myself would give
To love a man like this
I am not asking for much
Just someone I can be proud of
And who is proud of me
Someone who insists on what is right
And accepts me when I am wrong
A man who can say no with love in his eyes
And is brave enough to stand
In spite of all comers
No knight in shining armor
No prince with a waking kiss
Just a man
No more no less
A man who makes me a better woman
a better mother
a better person
Simply by being himself
One who can feel beyond my body
Enough to see what is truly beautiful
Inside and out
I am not asking for much
Just all that I myself would give
To love a man like this
Smile
Friday, April 23, 2010
an open door
smiling eyes
the first accidentally on purpose
brush of hands
I knew somehow
it would be perfect
only I didn't expect
this shell-shocked effect
thoughts held captive
cells on fire
new life is breathed in
to a weary heart
worth every moment
of precious lost sleep
if every moment
means smiling with you
an open door
smiling eyes
the first accidentally on purpose
brush of hands
I knew somehow
it would be perfect
only I didn't expect
this shell-shocked effect
thoughts held captive
cells on fire
new life is breathed in
to a weary heart
worth every moment
of precious lost sleep
if every moment
means smiling with you
Pen To Tree
by Rachel Vilencia on Friday, April 23, 2010 at 1:40pm
Pen to tree
My thoughts unfurl
Kaleidescopic beams of light
A wellspring flow
Synapses explode
Every one a blinding spark
My chosen medium
For self expression
Frees me from within
Pen to tree
I change my world
And who I am begins
Pen to tree
My thoughts unfurl
Kaleidescopic beams of light
A wellspring flow
Synapses explode
Every one a blinding spark
My chosen medium
For self expression
Frees me from within
Pen to tree
I change my world
And who I am begins
Bricks
Friday, April 23, 2010
a ton of bricks
it hits me
a full court press
against me
an assault on common senses
an utter invasion
of thoughts and dreams
capturing what is possible
and enslaving what could be
a regard only for making me smile
hours spent giving way
and giving away a heart worth having
while releasing my own
Bring Out Your Dead
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 3:14pm
bring out your dead
all the vile you conceal
show me your worst
and I will show you grace
skeletons
secrets
lies
and
shames
I will take them on
to love you is to love even these
bring out your sadness
your crushing grief
and promises lost
and I will be all things new
I will hold you through the withdrawals
to know you is to embrace even this
bring out your tears
the things that hurt even now
this wound much deeper
than any you have felt
I will help you remember peace
to explore you is to discover all of that
so bring out your dead
let it rot in the sun
and become the fuel
for new life to begin
bring out your dead
all the vile you conceal
show me your worst
and I will show you grace
skeletons
secrets
lies
and
shames
I will take them on
to love you is to love even these
bring out your sadness
your crushing grief
and promises lost
and I will be all things new
I will hold you through the withdrawals
to know you is to embrace even this
bring out your tears
the things that hurt even now
this wound much deeper
than any you have felt
I will help you remember peace
to explore you is to discover all of that
so bring out your dead
let it rot in the sun
and become the fuel
for new life to begin
Jump
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, May 16, 2010 at 4:49pm
Staring over the edge
of the Cliff of Greatness
I pause and think before I jump
Will I hit bottom?
Or will I catch a gust of wind
that helps me gently float
to a soft landing or a
higher peak?
Brilliance is born of risk
an element of danger
in every choice
that makes me feel alive.
So I run
full speed ahead
adopt my form
and feel the Earth leave my feet.
For I would rather
crash and be done
than fear the worst
and forget to LIVE.
Staring over the edge
of the Cliff of Greatness
I pause and think before I jump
Will I hit bottom?
Or will I catch a gust of wind
that helps me gently float
to a soft landing or a
higher peak?
Brilliance is born of risk
an element of danger
in every choice
that makes me feel alive.
So I run
full speed ahead
adopt my form
and feel the Earth leave my feet.
For I would rather
crash and be done
than fear the worst
and forget to LIVE.
Weakest
by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 12:24am
I am weakest in my strength
My wall of volcanic stone
Porous and impenetrable
Purified by fires
Lit by friend and foe
Designed to test my mettle
Now hardened over time
Unable to just feel
Or be sufficiently felt
A caravan of "baggage"
Thrown onto the pyre
Becomes the sediment that builds
My weakest strength
Hidden behind a plastic smile
Atop this unsustainable mountain
I am weakest in my strength
My wall of volcanic stone
Porous and impenetrable
Purified by fires
Lit by friend and foe
Designed to test my mettle
Now hardened over time
Unable to just feel
Or be sufficiently felt
A caravan of "baggage"
Thrown onto the pyre
Becomes the sediment that builds
My weakest strength
Hidden behind a plastic smile
Atop this unsustainable mountain
Thanks
by Rachel Vilencia on Tuesday, July 13, 2010 at 12:55am
I give thanks for the pain
the grief placed within
because it means I can feel
I give thanks for the tears
that fall though I fight
because they mean I can care
I give thanks for the troubles
that keep me up nights
because they mean victory
I give thanks for the anger
that burns inside out
because it means I won't settle
I give thanks for the screams
that still pierce my ears
because they give way for the silence
I give thanks for the storms
that shatter my defenses
because they wash my soul clean
I give thanks for the drama
that plays like a scene
because it means the academy is watching
I give thanks for the grief
the sadness for lost things
because it means I can be found
I give thanks for disappointment
whose voracity consumes
because it leaves room for renewal
I give thanks for my failures
that learn the hard lessons
because they mean transformation
I give thanks for the pain
the grief placed within
because it means I can feel
I give thanks for the tears
that fall though I fight
because they mean I can care
I give thanks for the troubles
that keep me up nights
because they mean victory
I give thanks for the anger
that burns inside out
because it means I won't settle
I give thanks for the screams
that still pierce my ears
because they give way for the silence
I give thanks for the storms
that shatter my defenses
because they wash my soul clean
I give thanks for the drama
that plays like a scene
because it means the academy is watching
I give thanks for the grief
the sadness for lost things
because it means I can be found
I give thanks for disappointment
whose voracity consumes
because it leaves room for renewal
I give thanks for my failures
that learn the hard lessons
because they mean transformation
A Victim of My Own Optimism
by Rachel Vilencia on Thursday, July 15, 2010 at 9:42am
I am reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and am blessed by her wisdom...
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."
"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."
"I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on the water."
"Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift."
and my favorite....
"If I am truly to become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian...I not only have to become my own husband, but I need to be my own father, too."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)
I am reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and am blessed by her wisdom...
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
"In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place."
"Look for God. Look for God like a man with his head on fire looks for water."
"I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on the water."
"Prayer is a relationship; half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself, in the offering of a clearly posed and well-considered intention. If you don't have this, all your pleas and desires are boneless, floppy, inert; they swirl at your feet in a cold fog and never lift."
and my favorite....
"If I am truly to become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of being my own guardian...I not only have to become my own husband, but I need to be my own father, too."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)
Running
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, July 18, 2010 at 8:35pm
exhausted and spent
you catch up with me
winded and emotionally drained
tired of running
you stop me long enough to hear your voice
"Be still"
"I forgive you"
"I have loved you before you were formed"
"I will be your Father"
"I will be the PERFECT man"
like a wellspring it exploded
the feeling of your love
and reminded me of who I am
daughter of the Most High
singer of blessing songs
teacher to all who would listen
"Yes Sir"
"Thank you"
"I know you have"
"again thank you"
"You are the only PERFECT man"
my running career is over
unless I am running to You
exhausted and spent
you catch up with me
winded and emotionally drained
tired of running
you stop me long enough to hear your voice
"Be still"
"I forgive you"
"I have loved you before you were formed"
"I will be your Father"
"I will be the PERFECT man"
like a wellspring it exploded
the feeling of your love
and reminded me of who I am
daughter of the Most High
singer of blessing songs
teacher to all who would listen
"Yes Sir"
"Thank you"
"I know you have"
"again thank you"
"You are the only PERFECT man"
my running career is over
unless I am running to You
Catalyst
by Rachel Vilencia on Saturday, July 17, 2010 at 4:54am
I strayed far from a chosen path
To choose you
I veered so far left it caused me to circle
The distance, Grand Canyon wide
Was too hard to breach
Withdrawal became retreat
A mixture of hops your only confidant
Left me clammoring for a solution
The past, marrow deep
Was too hard to recover from
So you who "meant no harm"
Administered harm indeed
Right through the core of my trust
The sorrow, an ocean across
Was too hard to traverse
But instead of continued reflection
Words exchanged and rearranged
This "relationship" is now a catalyst
The growth, exponential and real
Will be my reward as I conquer
And find strength within
Leaving parts worth losing
Allowing my faith to heal
I strayed far from a chosen path
To choose you
I veered so far left it caused me to circle
The distance, Grand Canyon wide
Was too hard to breach
Withdrawal became retreat
A mixture of hops your only confidant
Left me clammoring for a solution
The past, marrow deep
Was too hard to recover from
So you who "meant no harm"
Administered harm indeed
Right through the core of my trust
The sorrow, an ocean across
Was too hard to traverse
But instead of continued reflection
Words exchanged and rearranged
This "relationship" is now a catalyst
The growth, exponential and real
Will be my reward as I conquer
And find strength within
Leaving parts worth losing
Allowing my faith to heal
Friday, February 24, 2012
Hurt (also aptly titled, The Aftermath)
by Rachel Vilencia on Saturday, July 24, 2010 at 8:03pm
it just hurts
no redeeming quality
no real lesson to be learned
just pain
deleting the pictures
as if the recycle bin
will erase my memory
of all thoughts of you
doing the right thing
isn't always easy
sometimes the fire
is worth risking the burn
I see your eyes
when I close mine
I miss your smile
your voice singing our songs
this just hurts
and I pray that God will help me
not to miss you
not to love you this way
it just hurts
no redeeming quality
no real lesson to be learned
just pain
deleting the pictures
as if the recycle bin
will erase my memory
of all thoughts of you
doing the right thing
isn't always easy
sometimes the fire
is worth risking the burn
I see your eyes
when I close mine
I miss your smile
your voice singing our songs
this just hurts
and I pray that God will help me
not to miss you
not to love you this way
Control
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
push
prod
bulldoze
China cabinets beware
I must have
my measure of control
I now being broken down
into this dependent strength
learn to yield to You
I must have
Your presence in my life
instead of pushing I concede
prodding becomes gentle supplication
and the China is safely encased
I must have
been out of control for not trusting You all along
push
prod
bulldoze
China cabinets beware
I must have
my measure of control
I now being broken down
into this dependent strength
learn to yield to You
I must have
Your presence in my life
instead of pushing I concede
prodding becomes gentle supplication
and the China is safely encased
I must have
been out of control for not trusting You all along
Untitled
When you come for me
I will be ready
I have been preparing myself to be yours my whole life
by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, August 18, 2010 at 1:54am
When you fall for me
I will catch you
And try not to fall myself so one will always hold the other up
When you look at me
I will let you
Observe every perfect imperfection and accept me with grace
When you allow me to
I will love you
And always know that we were planned before the stars
I will be ready
I have been preparing myself to be yours my whole life
by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, August 18, 2010 at 1:54am
When you fall for me
I will catch you
And try not to fall myself so one will always hold the other up
When you look at me
I will let you
Observe every perfect imperfection and accept me with grace
When you allow me to
I will love you
And always know that we were planned before the stars
True Love
by Rachel Vilencia on Thursday, August 19, 2010 at 8:17am
the inner workings
no one gets to see
the hidden treasures
or secrets turned by skeleton keys
that is where the magic of your love
does its best work
changing
refining
making clear
all of the things
that I think I want or need
become grafted in to Your will
as I start to realize a better me
and a better peace of mind
because Your thoughts are higher
reassuring
revealing
making whole
teaching me that love, true love
is not a feeling but an action
exacted with purpose and grace
meant to transform my inner workings
to help me show that amazing love in turn
to those in need of comprehending true intimacy
the inner workings
no one gets to see
the hidden treasures
or secrets turned by skeleton keys
that is where the magic of your love
does its best work
changing
refining
making clear
all of the things
that I think I want or need
become grafted in to Your will
as I start to realize a better me
and a better peace of mind
because Your thoughts are higher
reassuring
revealing
making whole
teaching me that love, true love
is not a feeling but an action
exacted with purpose and grace
meant to transform my inner workings
to help me show that amazing love in turn
to those in need of comprehending true intimacy
Metamorphosis
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
I emerge
Wings still wet
As my colors unfold
And I perch myself
And steady my legs on this clumsy cocoon
My slumber is over
Time to get on with it
And use these beautiful wings
Nothing worth seeing from the ground
Perspective anew
No longer a pawn
A Monarch now stands
Graciously bestowing
Wings to whoever would choose
Metamorphosis over monotony
Web
by Rachel Vilencia on Saturday, September 11, 2010 at 11:22pm
You weave lies
1700 count
You paint the most amazing picture of yourself
Captain America meets Romeo
Not the cool, edgy version of Romeo mind you
the really girly one
Heroic actions under your belt
Packing a mean mixture of sensitivity and tragic flaws
You present yourself
Shirt and tie
Mr. Has the Answer
Knows the Question
Seen it all, mass produced the T Shirt
Your confidence has no swagger
The iron pyrite variety
Makes the finder foolish
So lie to yourself
No one else is listening
And you will find yourself alone
Sure,
sometimes alone is good
But,
even you
Will tire from trying to struggle free
Tangled in your weaver's web
Falsehoods
False hope
Disappointment
All around
You weave lies
1700 count
You paint the most amazing picture of yourself
Captain America meets Romeo
Not the cool, edgy version of Romeo mind you
the really girly one
Heroic actions under your belt
Packing a mean mixture of sensitivity and tragic flaws
You present yourself
Shirt and tie
Mr. Has the Answer
Knows the Question
Seen it all, mass produced the T Shirt
Your confidence has no swagger
The iron pyrite variety
Makes the finder foolish
So lie to yourself
No one else is listening
And you will find yourself alone
Sure,
sometimes alone is good
But,
even you
Will tire from trying to struggle free
Tangled in your weaver's web
Falsehoods
False hope
Disappointment
All around
Powerful
by Rachel Vilencia on Saturday, September 11, 2010 at 11:33pm
Roll your eyes
Think me foolish
Underestimate me please
You'll soon find out
Just who it is you are dealing with
I've never met a challenge
I didn't steamroll with a smile
Tell me I can't
Watch me do it
Tell me no one has
I'll do it with style
Tell me no one cares
And I will show you how much I do
So tell yourself I won't make it
I'll be there waiting at the finish line
Selling fresh squeezed lemonade
When you finally show up
Roll your eyes
Think me foolish
Underestimate me please
You'll soon find out
Just who it is you are dealing with
I've never met a challenge
I didn't steamroll with a smile
Tell me I can't
Watch me do it
Tell me no one has
I'll do it with style
Tell me no one cares
And I will show you how much I do
So tell yourself I won't make it
I'll be there waiting at the finish line
Selling fresh squeezed lemonade
When you finally show up
Can I get an Amen? Apologies, Acceptances and Aggravations
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, September 19, 2010 at 10:10pm
Two months ago, I was suffering from a broken heart. I saw potential in a relationship that was so out of order it was scary, when it ended, I was devastated. I wanted so badly to feel love and be emotionally attached to someone after the difficult year I had had. Nevermind that the difficult year was the direct result of another out of order relationship that ended in divorce. Since 2004 I have been walking through life making decisions based on what felt right at the time or met my physical or emotional needs.
The biggest problem with living that way is that human beings need balance. There was nothing, and I mean nothing, filling my spirit. I know...you may be thinking that I'm crazy for feeling that way or you may see no need for tending to your spirit. We're talking about me here, so keep up. I know I need it, because I know how the absence of it affects every cell, every thought, every decision and every relationship I try to construct out of temporary things.
So, back to the issue at hand. There I am, broken hearted, sobbing uncontrollably. For the record, I don't have one of those pretty, one teardrop falls, sad doe- eyed cries. When I cry my chest hurts, I am a terrible snotty mess. So I'm crying and as vividly as you are reading this I felt an urgency. I should love God this way, not this man. I should care so much about my relationship with God that I would be willing to weep for it, to try for it, to nurture it, to provide for it, to cherish it, to protect it, to love it - more than myself or anyone else. I have neglected the first and most important relationship in my life and tried to fill that gap with work, inappropriate relationships, and anything else I could get myself into. Thankfully I have never used a drug and was protected from going that far.
Over the last 7 months or so I had been bombarded with opportunities to learn this lesson and make some things right. I didn't take them. Honestly, I was having fun dating and falling "in love". Guess what....THERE IS NO TRUE REAL LOVE WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING LOVE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CREATOR. Yep, I typed it. Read it again. Now I know statements like that set me up for some eye rolling, maybe even a few snide comments and to that I say "Bring It". I know what I need. I know what is right for me. I know that I had to share this because it has been revolutionary in my life. I share it not to influence anyone, only to give praise for what making that change has brought to my peace of mind, my level of joy and my level of expectation in this life.
I just left a great job. A job I loved so much that performing it effectively meant neglecting my relationship with Hannah. I left a great deal of financial security and emotional support. I am figuring out that what truly means something to me in this life is not money. Sure money is great and it helps us to accomplish so many things, but when I die I will not say that I wish I had worked more or had more money. I will say that I wish I had just one more minute with those I love, especially my daughter. I live two miles from Shannon who has been one of my biggest suppporters and encouragers for 21 years. She has a wonderful family that blesses me daily just by spending time with them - and the food is great too :) I am part of a great church, full of people who understand the value of corporate worship and encouragement. I am blessed, far more richly than ever before.
I am back doing what I was called and meant to do. You may not know this but I was in ministry over the years. I have been a worship leader and a youth pastor. The lives I came in contact with and the people I was allowed to know and to bless continue to encourage me to this day and have sustained me through some very difficult times.
What I have had to admit to myself is that my wounds were self inflicted. It would be great to blame someone else for my pain but the truth is I knew what was right and what was wrong to do. I know, and knew what decisions were best and took the easy road instead of standing my ground. I did what I wanted to at the time, with no thought of the outcome or lasting effects of those decisions. I have left many people in the wake of those choices and to you I am sorry. If I ever left you shaking your head and thinking "What the heck is she doing this for?" rest assured that I fully comprehend my idiocy! :)
Daily I am reminded of God's amazing love for me, His amazing tolerance, His amazing gracefulness and patience. If you have ever thought that God doesn't care for you let me assure you He does. I am a hot mess and He cares for me. Thank you for reading this, for laughing and joking with me on this wonderful connector called Facebook. I appreciate all of you in the most amazing ways. Nothin' but love!!!!! Remind me who I am if I slip and try not to judge me too harshly, we all fall short and at 5'6" I'm barely breaking average ;P
Two months ago, I was suffering from a broken heart. I saw potential in a relationship that was so out of order it was scary, when it ended, I was devastated. I wanted so badly to feel love and be emotionally attached to someone after the difficult year I had had. Nevermind that the difficult year was the direct result of another out of order relationship that ended in divorce. Since 2004 I have been walking through life making decisions based on what felt right at the time or met my physical or emotional needs.
The biggest problem with living that way is that human beings need balance. There was nothing, and I mean nothing, filling my spirit. I know...you may be thinking that I'm crazy for feeling that way or you may see no need for tending to your spirit. We're talking about me here, so keep up. I know I need it, because I know how the absence of it affects every cell, every thought, every decision and every relationship I try to construct out of temporary things.
So, back to the issue at hand. There I am, broken hearted, sobbing uncontrollably. For the record, I don't have one of those pretty, one teardrop falls, sad doe- eyed cries. When I cry my chest hurts, I am a terrible snotty mess. So I'm crying and as vividly as you are reading this I felt an urgency. I should love God this way, not this man. I should care so much about my relationship with God that I would be willing to weep for it, to try for it, to nurture it, to provide for it, to cherish it, to protect it, to love it - more than myself or anyone else. I have neglected the first and most important relationship in my life and tried to fill that gap with work, inappropriate relationships, and anything else I could get myself into. Thankfully I have never used a drug and was protected from going that far.
Over the last 7 months or so I had been bombarded with opportunities to learn this lesson and make some things right. I didn't take them. Honestly, I was having fun dating and falling "in love". Guess what....THERE IS NO TRUE REAL LOVE WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING LOVE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CREATOR. Yep, I typed it. Read it again. Now I know statements like that set me up for some eye rolling, maybe even a few snide comments and to that I say "Bring It". I know what I need. I know what is right for me. I know that I had to share this because it has been revolutionary in my life. I share it not to influence anyone, only to give praise for what making that change has brought to my peace of mind, my level of joy and my level of expectation in this life.
I just left a great job. A job I loved so much that performing it effectively meant neglecting my relationship with Hannah. I left a great deal of financial security and emotional support. I am figuring out that what truly means something to me in this life is not money. Sure money is great and it helps us to accomplish so many things, but when I die I will not say that I wish I had worked more or had more money. I will say that I wish I had just one more minute with those I love, especially my daughter. I live two miles from Shannon who has been one of my biggest suppporters and encouragers for 21 years. She has a wonderful family that blesses me daily just by spending time with them - and the food is great too :) I am part of a great church, full of people who understand the value of corporate worship and encouragement. I am blessed, far more richly than ever before.
I am back doing what I was called and meant to do. You may not know this but I was in ministry over the years. I have been a worship leader and a youth pastor. The lives I came in contact with and the people I was allowed to know and to bless continue to encourage me to this day and have sustained me through some very difficult times.
What I have had to admit to myself is that my wounds were self inflicted. It would be great to blame someone else for my pain but the truth is I knew what was right and what was wrong to do. I know, and knew what decisions were best and took the easy road instead of standing my ground. I did what I wanted to at the time, with no thought of the outcome or lasting effects of those decisions. I have left many people in the wake of those choices and to you I am sorry. If I ever left you shaking your head and thinking "What the heck is she doing this for?" rest assured that I fully comprehend my idiocy! :)
Daily I am reminded of God's amazing love for me, His amazing tolerance, His amazing gracefulness and patience. If you have ever thought that God doesn't care for you let me assure you He does. I am a hot mess and He cares for me. Thank you for reading this, for laughing and joking with me on this wonderful connector called Facebook. I appreciate all of you in the most amazing ways. Nothin' but love!!!!! Remind me who I am if I slip and try not to judge me too harshly, we all fall short and at 5'6" I'm barely breaking average ;P
Expecting
by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, September 29, 2010 at 8:37am
As I come before you
Expecting
I know your Spirit will be there
To comfort
Restore and Renew
Provision was made
Before the problem was introduced
And you are faithful
To supply my needs
And even some wants
Birth in me
Reignited joy
Servitude
Steadfastness
and Strength
This race I set my feet to long ago
Is not finished yet
And I EXPECT to cross the line
And be drenched in Your love
Forever
As I come before you
Expecting
I know your Spirit will be there
To comfort
Restore and Renew
Provision was made
Before the problem was introduced
And you are faithful
To supply my needs
And even some wants
Birth in me
Reignited joy
Servitude
Steadfastness
and Strength
This race I set my feet to long ago
Is not finished yet
And I EXPECT to cross the line
And be drenched in Your love
Forever
Same Eyes
by Rachel Vilencia on Tuesday, October 26, 2010 at 10:57pm
I am not sure if it is
Your razor sharp wit
The kindness in your eyes
Or how much you make me want to
Do
and Be
Right
The example you have set
Or the man you will become
The hope of an amazing future
It makes me believe you will be
The man to enhance my life
To challenge me to grow as a woman
As a child of God
Mother and friend
If only you saw me
With the same eyes
And I could be that too
I am not sure if it is
Your razor sharp wit
The kindness in your eyes
Or how much you make me want to
Do
and Be
Right
The example you have set
Or the man you will become
The hope of an amazing future
It makes me believe you will be
The man to enhance my life
To challenge me to grow as a woman
As a child of God
Mother and friend
If only you saw me
With the same eyes
And I could be that too
Wonderland
by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, February 23, 2011 at 11:07pm
The Mad Hatter has left the building
The Queen of Hearts has lost her head
The tumble down the rabbit's hole
Placed heels over head
The bottle says "Drink me"
and grow larger than life
so big you cannot manage
the feelings that tell you to run
You're late you see
For a very important fate
The looking glass
Reflecting what you refuse to see
The Hatter has taken two lumps
The Queen's heart is cold
The tea party is over
and Alice must return home
The Mad Hatter has left the building
The Queen of Hearts has lost her head
The tumble down the rabbit's hole
Placed heels over head
The bottle says "Drink me"
and grow larger than life
so big you cannot manage
the feelings that tell you to run
You're late you see
For a very important fate
The looking glass
Reflecting what you refuse to see
The Hatter has taken two lumps
The Queen's heart is cold
The tea party is over
and Alice must return home
Food for Thought
by Rachel Vilencia on Sunday, March 13, 2011 at 11:01pm
you move through my mind
planting what ifs
possibilities without end
a jigsaw fit
round and straight together
tightly completing the image
of perfect togetherness
dreams germinate
as our history unfolds
we have never left
eachothers thoughts
so step deeper and know
and reap
and sow
we will harvest it
side by side
and the fields
you helped plant
will nourish us both
you move through my mind
planting what ifs
possibilities without end
a jigsaw fit
round and straight together
tightly completing the image
of perfect togetherness
dreams germinate
as our history unfolds
we have never left
eachothers thoughts
so step deeper and know
and reap
and sow
we will harvest it
side by side
and the fields
you helped plant
will nourish us both
Crooked
by Rachel Vilencia on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 8:34pm
make straight this path
that veered off into selfishness
smooth the trouble chisled edges
designed to keep help at bay
remind me that things
don't have to be so tough
partner me with strength again
give way for healing peace
not more emotional regurgitations
coulda shoulda woulda beens
just what can forever be
walking in promises as yet unfulfilled
take the things no one sees
the emptiness, insecurity
fear of failure and lack of trust
and replace them with the knowledge
that nothing can fail in your love
or be separated from your grace
make straight this path
bring it back to where I was
before I stopped hearing
before I forgot my place
and make this vessel
able to carry your purpose again
make straight this path
that veered off into selfishness
smooth the trouble chisled edges
designed to keep help at bay
remind me that things
don't have to be so tough
partner me with strength again
give way for healing peace
not more emotional regurgitations
coulda shoulda woulda beens
just what can forever be
walking in promises as yet unfulfilled
take the things no one sees
the emptiness, insecurity
fear of failure and lack of trust
and replace them with the knowledge
that nothing can fail in your love
or be separated from your grace
make straight this path
bring it back to where I was
before I stopped hearing
before I forgot my place
and make this vessel
able to carry your purpose again
New Day
by Rachel Vilencia on Friday, April 1, 2011 at 12:41am
Stay with me
While the sun creeps up over the bay
Dawn breaks
And this new day brings promise
Linger here
In this moment of perfection
No words
Just be still
It is not often that we
Can just enjoy
Eachother
Without the pressure of this life
Hold me
Not too tight
But close enough to feel
Your heartbeat on my face
This moment
This perfect moment
Is enough to get me to
The promise of the next new day
Stay with me
While the sun creeps up over the bay
Dawn breaks
And this new day brings promise
Linger here
In this moment of perfection
No words
Just be still
It is not often that we
Can just enjoy
Eachother
Without the pressure of this life
Hold me
Not too tight
But close enough to feel
Your heartbeat on my face
This moment
This perfect moment
Is enough to get me to
The promise of the next new day
Untried
by Rachel Vilencia on Thursday, July 14, 2011 at 11:11pm
Not one to go with the status flow
Rebel without a pause
Asking why when others wouldn't
And not accepting "Just because"
Weaving in and out of the lines
Some would have me stay inside
Busy airbrushing my own landscape
You don't know my life ;)
With the intention of living each day
As though it never lasts
Keeps me focused on the present
Not what's future or what's past
On this fantastic voyage
Just enjoying the bumpy ride
In line for the mammoth wooden coaster
And the road as yet untried
Rebel without a pause
Asking why when others wouldn't
And not accepting "Just because"
Weaving in and out of the lines
Some would have me stay inside
Busy airbrushing my own landscape
You don't know my life ;)
With the intention of living each day
As though it never lasts
Keeps me focused on the present
Not what's future or what's past
On this fantastic voyage
Just enjoying the bumpy ride
In line for the mammoth wooden coaster
And the road as yet untried
To Spite
Monday, November 14, 2011
I always lose you along the way
perturbed that you don't keep up
The moment I realize
you're not there
sadness
Aloneness
cursed loneliness
Indentured solitude
restrained
Contained
subjective
to will and want alike
Only free with love taken
never given
To spite
perturbed that you don't keep up
The moment I realize
you're not there
sadness
Aloneness
cursed loneliness
Indentured solitude
restrained
Contained
subjective
to will and want alike
Only free with love taken
never given
To spite
Alive
Alive
miles away
smiles away
and I wish you were here
just to talk
in close proximity
instead of on frequencies unseen
to smell you
touch you
taste you
would be divine
worth the wait
the time
the frustration
the truth in your voice
your contagious smile
the confident way
you guide me to you
I am either the luckiest
or the most helplessly foolish
woman alive
smiles away
and I wish you were here
just to talk
in close proximity
instead of on frequencies unseen
to smell you
touch you
taste you
would be divine
worth the wait
the time
the frustration
the truth in your voice
your contagious smile
the confident way
you guide me to you
I am either the luckiest
or the most helplessly foolish
woman alive
Brooke
Since I wrote my last blog my faith crisis is in full swing. My cousin had that sweet baby and named her Brooke Lynn Proske. She died on the last day of January at 5 months and 15 days old. Her funeral was February 5th. Exactly one year since Stella died. I find it hard not to cry and not to question. I am so sad and so concerned for Lena and Mike. Chris is still fighting - I just don't know how they find the strength.
I have never been good at keeping up with blogging, although I've tried on many occassions. I almost never go back and read what I have written so forgive any errors. I am my harshest critic.
I have decided to post the poems I have written. They are the most direct path to how I feel and who I am. Perhaps sharing will help me get through. This has been my hardest year and I cannot imagine how those closest to Stella and Brooke can handle losing them. Prayers are appreciated and much required.
I have never been good at keeping up with blogging, although I've tried on many occassions. I almost never go back and read what I have written so forgive any errors. I am my harshest critic.
I have decided to post the poems I have written. They are the most direct path to how I feel and who I am. Perhaps sharing will help me get through. This has been my hardest year and I cannot imagine how those closest to Stella and Brooke can handle losing them. Prayers are appreciated and much required.
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