Tired

I'm tired
Tired of apathy
Tired of empathy
Tired of sympathy
Resulting from my choices

Tired of promising
Tired of chronicling
Tired of sponsoring
Beautifully enabled behavior

I'm tired
Tired of disappointment
Tired of explanations
Tired of what ifs and never do
Surrounded by excuses

I'm tired
So tired
Of you

Grafted In

Lately I've been thinking about what it means to be grafted in.  Since you may not know what I'm referring to: 

Romans 11:11 - 17

¹¹ Did God’s people stumble and fall beyond recovery? Of course not! They were disobedient, so God made salvation available to the Gentiles. But he wanted his own people to become jealous and claim it for themselves. ¹² Now if the Gentiles were enriched because the people of Israel turned down God’s offer of salvation, think how much greater a blessing the world will share when they finally accept it.

¹³ I am saying all this especially for you Gentiles. God has appointed me as the apostle to the Gentiles. I stress this, ¹⁴ for I want somehow to make the people of Israel jealous of what you Gentiles have, so I might save some of them. ¹⁵ For since their rejection meant that God offered salvation to the rest of the world, their acceptance will be even more wonderful. It will be life for those who were dead! ¹⁶ And since Abraham and the other patriarchs were holy, their descendants will also be holy—just as the entire batch of dough is holy because the portion given as an offering is holy. For if the roots of the tree are holy, the branches will be, too.
¹⁷ But some of these branches from Abraham’s tree—some of the people of Israel—have been broken off. And you Gentiles, who were branches from a wild olive tree, have been grafted in. So now you also receive the blessing God has promised Abraham and his children, sharing in the rich nourishment from the root of God’s special olive tree.

My daughter Hannah is adopted.  She fits seamlessly into our lives.  I cannot imagine life without her.  I think she is my greatest tangible example of what it means to be grafted in.  She is part of me with no separation.  That is a likeness to our relationship with God.  

I found this amazing website that explains it from a Messianic Christian perspective:

http://www.graftedin.com/graftedin.html

Another real life example is skin grafting...

What is a skin graft?

A skin graft consists of skin taken from another part of the body and applied to the site where skin is missing. A skin graft is a free piece of tissue without its own blood supply (as compared with a skin flap) and therefore its survival relies completely on a nutrients from the wound bed on which it is placed.

Why do you need a skin graft?

A skin graft is required when the area of skin loss is too big to be closed using local skin and stitches alone. The skin graft covers the wound and attaches itself to the cells beneath and begins to grow in its new location. If a skin graft wasn't performed, the area would be an open wound and take much longer to heal. 

So like my daughter being brought in to my family...like this foreign or accessory piece of skin, we are GRAFTED IN to God.  The skin is applied where something is missing...like faith is applied where God is missing. Right where the area of loss is too big for any other solution.  We have equal rights and opportunities with Jesus representing our seamless relationship with God.  How miraculous is that?  How amazing?  We are given the undeserved benefit of a direct Abba experience.  When we use the word Abba - we are literally calling God "Daddy".  Being grafted in means that I, and you, have the opportunity to approach I AM on an intimate basis.  I have never considered how thankful I am to be a wild olive branch, finding rest in the Tree of Life.  This picture of my daughter represents that joy to me...and I am thankful for a true illustration of what it means to belong to and be a part of God.

 

Mrs. Fohn

On September 8, 2013 I remarried the love of my life.  He loves me so much he married me twice!! Most of my previous blogs that indicate pain in relationships were a result of leaving this man.  I am so very blessed and thankful that we have grown to love each other this deeply and with devotion we've never experienced or understood before.

God has been very good to us.

You

Inseparable finally
Recycled, one flesh
Yet it still feels exciting and new

To see you over me
Catch a glimpse of the way
Your heart takes me in all at once

You never give up
Till you get what you want
And want me is all that you do

I'll follow you anywhere
Just lead and I'll go
My Love, My Only, My You

One Road

The road before you was long
Full of disappointment and pain
Then it led me to you

We walked it for a while
On opposite sides
Always trying to meet in the middle

So it divided
Down a lonely path
To show us where stubborn pride leads

It brought us back
To a new starting point
Facing the same direction
And at last, two become one

Mile Marker 203

breaking down
every other minute
exhausted
spent

these things happen to "them"
not us, and I'm finding it hard
to understand
this

I just keep scratching
my way up faith's hill
believing
in spite

there must be purpose
in all of this madness
or perhaps I need it to be
so much

if the plans you have for me
mean this
then I hope that I'm saved for something
great

it seems the casualties of this war
are too many
though the blessings still
outweigh

so forgive me when I
break down here
and it appears that I lose
sight

I guess this is when
you'll have to carry me
for I haven't got the
strength

The Faithful Departed

Could we freeze a moment in time?
Could it be the last time I held you?

You always did want to do things first
Always pushed the boundaries set

'Tis only fitting that you
Would feel an angel's wings before me

As I sat and heard tales from others
Of what your time on this earth did mean

I am sad to be left with but memories
Only to wonder what I missed

You were loaned but a moment
Now safe from all grief and all pain

So here's to my faithful departed

My Kristy, larger than this life could contain

Krissers

There is something beautiful
In your unabashed honesty
Your willingness to be raw
Middle child with issues on display
You made us pay attention
Dimples and all, Any time you were in pain
I mourn the loss of all that's you
Two toned eyes, angelic face, and
Ever morphing hair
The memories are not sufficient
As it seems there are not enough
There should be more, Now you're not there
I love you - Every part
It is just so hard
But you never did it easy
Oh no
You lived this life with no regard
So I'm left with the eyes of your children
The legacy we hold
And I wonder if your story
Is ever sufficiently told
No good bye to the rose bearer
Who always felt the thorns
I pray the ship you're on now
Takes you to an ever peaceful shore
Where Krissy-pins abound
In a place called Canadarin
Where God needs help off buildings
And joy never ends

Knockout

you knock me out with your frigid blue eyes
knock me sideways with your handsome smile
you knock me up with your relentless love

knock knock you're there
knocking down the hardness in my heart
knocking over my false impressions of you

knocking my socks right off
you knock around the clock
knocking me around punch drunk full of you

you're a knockout
my love
my life
I'll spend knocking around with you

Dwelling Place

Love is a decision
A calculated risk
It promises no matter what
I will walk with you through this

Love is a commitment
That together you will pass the test
The arrows from life's quiver
Will pierce but never best

Love is more than promises
Starry eyes and bouts of sweat
It is present in times of nothingness
Through troubles trials and regret

Love is what I am for you
A place of caring and of rest
In the safety of eachother
We never could have guessed

Love is all I want from you
While walking by my side
No greater joy is possible
If in love you do reside

Optical Illusion

You're rushing toward the light
Believing there is something better
Than what you have right here
In a life based on altruism
It is astonishing that you fail to consider
Those you leave behind
In all ways you are fearless
Do not be fearless in this

Don't greet death with a kiss
Invite it to dinner
To feast on your Country Roses
And sup with your despair
There is nothing sadder than a life unlived
A family torn by apathy and indifference
No reason to believe
That light outshines this darkness

So what if there are gold streets, living waters
And angelic songs
There is still no guarantee
That faith ends in glorious reward
It seems so irresponsible to squander health
And not be grateful for gifts already bestowed
Five bright spots in an otherwise regretful story
Stand here beside you, praying for the best

I know that heaven, with all its attractions
Eternity with your Creator
And promises of peace beckons you at every turn
Please postpone your journey
As this one is not yet done
I'm not ready to lose you
My friend and my pillar
To infirmity and carelessness

It cannot be the will of God
For you to sacrifice yourself
When provision was already made
For you to be in health and prosper
Step away from the funhouse mirror
The illusion that proclaims
That another plane of existence
Is better than the regard I have for you
Right here

Hits

The hits
They keep coming
Before we can kneel to stand
The chasm
Of death surrounding
Super sinking quicksand

Yet somehow hope
A pinprick of light
Manages to come through
As the hits
And their destruction
Leave us black and blue

The reaper shows his form
Forces us to withstand the blows
Thrown like sicles at our feet
But the contusions will heal
As all things do mend
When we accept defeat

Acceptance follows pain
Joy will follow grief
And the hits they keep re-fisting
The Victrola set to stun
But we still dance
And soldier on anti-war enlisting

Hear our cry Oh God
See our steadfast march
And note the stoic form
Send a Comforter to wage it for us
Encourage healing and protect
As our faith finds strength to be reborn

Priceless

I don't know how to let you go
Or how to feel without you here
I always believed I'd see you whole
I am amazed by your lack of fear

You are everything a young man should be
Kind strong and good
I don't know how our family will make it
No family ever should

I miss your smile,I see it always
And believe you're here somehow
I wish I could pick on you one more time
I hope you're holding our baby Brooke now

You were more than just a cousin
I have held you in my heart
You were like my own son
From all others set apart

I will miss you until I see you
Every minute, every day
I wish I could just tell you
How proud I am to say

You are such a fighter
Yet so gentle and unassuming
I can't stop all this crying
This grief is all consuming

You are priceless, Sweet Christopher
From the day that you were born
As we honor you and prepare you
To tread a path undeservedly well-worn

Consolation

No one wins
When no one plays fair
And admits when they are wrong

No one sees
The pain they cause
When singing their own painful song

No one loves
As good as they do
When the one they love is finally lost

No one knows
How it could have turned out
When no one can accept the cost

Daisy

This ridiculous beast
Hairy and white
Sleeps on my pillow
When I am not watching

She sheds on my carpet
In my car and my house
And bellows for me to
Take her walking

She loves me at all times
She's happy to see me
Wags her body
And gives me a smile

I never knew a person
Could love a beast so much
Or take such liking to a furball
and regard as a child

Finely

We have diced it up
Pulverized it
Hit puree and stuck in a hand

I can't keep blaming you
And blaming myself
It just is what it is

How many times must we say the same words?
Are we thinking the meanings will change?
Maybe if we played them backwards...

There have never been kisses
More sweet and never have tears
Fallen more bitterly

No matter how much anger
How many broken promises
I still need to know you're ok

So we re-hash
Rip off the band aid
And chop up our hearts again - finely

An Invocation for Beginnings by ZE Frank

“Don’t call it a comeback I’ll have hair for years. I’m scared. I’m scared that my abilities are gone.

I’m scared that I’m gonna f*ck this up.  And I’m scared of you.

I don’t wanna start but I will. This is an invocation for anyone who hasn’t begun.

Who’s stuck in a terrible place between zero and 1.

Let me realize that my past failures in follow through are no indication of my future performance,

They are just healthy little fires that are gonna warm up my a$$

If my FILDI is strong let me keep him in a velvet box until I really really need him

If my FILDI is weak let me feed him oranges and not let him gorge himself on ego and arrogance

Let me not hit up my facebook like it’s a crack pipe

Keep the browser closed

If I catch myself wearing a tootoo – too fat too late too old

Let me shake it off like a donkey would shake off something it doesn’t like

And when I get that feeling in my stomach, you know that feeling when all of a sudden you get a ball of energy and it shoots down into your legs and up into your arms and it tells you get up and stand up and go to the refrigerator and get a cheese sandwich?  That’s my cheese monster talking and my cheese monster will never be satisfied by cheddar – only the cheese of accomplishment.

Let me think about the people who I care about the most and how when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them.  Let me extend that generosity to myself. 

Let me find and use metaphors to help me understand the world around me and give me the strength to get rid of them when it is apparent they no longer work. 

Let me thank the parts of me that I don’t understand or are out of my rational control, like my creativity and my courage.  And let me remember that my courage is like a wild dog and won’t just come when I call it.  I have to chase it down and hold on as tight as I can. 

Let me not be so vain to think that I’m the sole author of my victories and a victim of my defeats.

Let me remember that the unintended meaning that people project onto what I do is neither my fault or something that I can take credit for.

Perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes but he’s a little bit of an a$$hole and no one invites him to their pool parties.

Let me remember that the impact of criticism is often not the intent of the critic.  But when the intent is evil, that’s what the block button’s for.  But when I eat my critique let me be able to separate out the good advice from the bitter herbs.

Let me not think of my work only as a stepping stone to something else.  And if it is, let me become fascinated with the shape of the stone.

Let me take the idea that has gotten me this far and put it to bed.  What I’m about to do will not be that but it will be something.

There is no need to sharpen my pencils anymore, my pencils are sharp enough – even the dull ones will make a mark.  Warts and all, let’s start this shit up.  And God let me enjoy this!  Life isn’t just a sequence of waiting for things to be done.”

ashow.zefrank.com

Wildflowers

the bonnets blue
call me to walk in the fields
paint with brushes
and the roses are prim

threads of green
drink cups of wine
as prickled poppies
dance in the wind

nightshades in silver
yarrow and flax
phlox of drummond and
a daisy called engelmann

they call forth the spring
wild sages in blue
court larkspur and reach
for the heavens

Trapped

My choices
Have rendered me helpless
Unable to do what I wish

I feel stifled
Immobile
And completely at risk

Why did I put myself
My life
In harms way?

I can't breathe
Can't rest
Can't do what I want with my day

Boxed in
No freedom
No power at all

I need peace
I need a break
I need not to feel so small

Banana Face

You make me so happy
Each time you say something I would say
And especially something I wouldn't
Or tell me you love me when I'm being silly
It is awesome that a long walk and wildflowers
Is all it takes to bring us together
I am more proud of you than anything else in this life
You are amazing in each and every way
Your sense of humor
Care for others
And sense of self
Bless me like nothing else
There is simply nothing better than being your Mom