It has been a very trying year so far for my family. My cousin Stella died in January. She was only 45 and left behind an 18 year old son and a family who misses her. A month later my uncle was very drunk and depressed and tried to kill himself. He lived but a week or so after, his wife was hospitalized with bacterial meningitis and has had a difficult and nearly impossible partial recovery. She also experienced several strokes and is now wheel chair bound. On April 29th, my cousin's birthday, she was informed that her 16 year old son has AML, an aggressive form of Leukemia. Now, nearly 4 months later he is also fighting Lymphoma and is very frail. My cousin is 8 months pregnant with her third child while she watches her first born fight for his life.
I know a crisis of faith is very selfish at this point and that I need to be thankful for the victories along the way. Am I the only person that asks why these things happen and how they could possibly lead to anything good? I have gone to church most of my life (nearly 37 years) I have been known as a woman of faith. Today, I feel as though I have none. I guess the point of faith is accepting that you don't or won't understand it all and believing anyway.
I am not a traditional Christian. For example, I don't believe in denying a woman's right to choose. I also don't believe in denying gay people the right to marry. I believe these things for a very simple reason. I think that when any government begins making laws about what a person can or cannot do with their bodies a bigger problem is apparent in society. Everyone should have a right to choose their path - mistakes and all. I do not want anyone to force their opinions on me so I refuse to force mine on them. I think that if Christians want our message to be accepted it is imperative that we live a life that makes someone say they want what we have. I am sure most would argue that the baby has no choice but to that I say this. God creates life and only He can extinguish it. If God allows that decision, who are we to interfere? If we believe a babies are innocent and blameless before they are born and truly believe in heaven isn't it better that they are with their creator and not with a mother who wouldn't want them or cannot care for them?
I have known MANY Gay couples over the years. Often, their dedication to eachother and respect for their union (in spite of having no legal document saying they are married) carries more conviction that most Christian marriages I've seen. I think it is important to deal with one's own short comings and issues. If I have read the book correctly it says we all fall short. One sin is no worse than any other. So I sit here, tired of the hamster wheel I've been on since January hoping that I have the strength and courage to continue to have faith that we can get through this and still believe that we are here for a purpose. And I maintain the hope that the purpose is to truly love unconditionally and accept the good in someone and the things to be thankful for in this life.
Sometimes I don't think I've lived up to what God expects and I'm reassured knowing that he expects me to be human - that's why He created grace and mercy to get me through.
I gotta have fai fa fai fa faith a...
